If This Is What He Wants

[Meerful]

A small brownish she cat slowly made a path of paw steps through the leafy paths of the Loner's Terra. Voices in her mind called to her, beckoned for her to join them in reminiscing with death. A stronger, louder voice in her mind was trying to tell her what to do. That voice, was Auseek. Auseek was some sort of conscience of some sort that became part of Meer after Splinter left her. Now, she was stuck with her.

Meer lifted one more paw, after one more limp after one last thorn getting jammed into her already bleeding foot, before collapsing to the ground out of exhaustion, and hunger. However, a mouse could stumble right inside her jaws, and Meer wouldn't take a single bite, no matter what Auseek said to her or commanded. Meer never allowed herself to eat if she could help it.

The wind blew past her, bringing with it little droplets of rain. This was a sign that sure enough, it was spring. Meer's least favorite of all seasons, spring. With a snort of disgust, she closed her eye to think about someone she hadn't thought about in a long time. Splinter, her former mate, former love, and former pretty much everything since he had been the first and only cat to love her, other than Shard, but Shard was gone.

Splinter, why? Why must you fall in love again? No one loves me, and no one ever will. When you left, you took a huge chunk of me out of my chest, and now I'm riddled through with holes. If I could, I would go back, but I wont. I want to have more self control, more pride. Love does stupid things to me, and now it's ruined my life. Splinter, what was wrong with you? Why did Thorn do this to me and you. Maybe... Maybe I just thought I loved you, and you only wished you could. Meer thought as if she were speaking to him, and always told herself she was only convinced she loved him. It made it easier to bear.

"I've gone too many nights with, to suddenly be without" Meer spoke aloud, her dry mouth making the words come out a little wiry, and then she had to catch her breath. Meer didn't talk that much anymore, she just set back, and watched life go one all around her, like she was there, but not the one living the life. Maybe, maybe she wasn't. A single tear slid down her cheek, and she rested her head on her paw as blood seeped through her fur.

[goldentail]

Splinter walked toward Meer. "Meer" he whispered gently. He knew she could not hear him but he felt he had to whisper since she was in such a weak contition. She wasn't Meer anymore. Auseek was killing her. He wondered briefly weather Thorn and Auseek would make a good couple. Then he realized it wasn't Auseek killing Meer. It was him. He had done this to Meer. She had been a lovely cat but now she was so weak and seemed so helpless. This was what he had done to her. Niche had been right. He was evil. How could he have thought she would recover after he had left. He knew now how Badgerpaw had felt when Goldenpaw had died. He knew how so many had felt when there mates had died or had turned into a helpless mess. How could he have done this? How? He walked over to Meer and lay down beside her and licked one sandy brown ear.

[Meerful]

First, fear crept through Meer, rolling in tremors down her spine. Who was coming up to her? Who was that? Then she just decided that she didn't care. What was the point? Wasn't she going to die anyone? Whether or not this was something to fear? Meer sighed, and kept her eye closed.

Go ahead Meer, let misery kill you, it'll save me the job Auseek growled dangerously. Auseek, why don't you bug someone else? I'm miserable enough without you. Shard, Niche, Splinter, Fragment, Turtle, Steps Soft. I've lost them, and I think I can bear to lose you. Meer retorted back.

Suddenly, the pulse in the ground wa getting closer to her, to the point where Meer could feelwhatever was coming breath in and out. It was... Disturbing. Meer growled, still not opening her eye, then she flexed her claws from underneath her. Auseek was telling her something, but Meer didn't have enough tiem to listen when she felt something on her ear.

Meer jumped, and flew back a few fox lengths. What was that? Meer kept her eye shut so tight, she was squinting with effort. She didn't want to see what it was, didn't want to feel what it was saying. Theo nly thing she wanted now was to die. At least it would spare her the pain, insanity and insomnia that was slowly taking her, carving her insides.

Slowly, she laid back down, and Auseek's screaming came to a stop. If there was any way, Meer would beg for death, but she couldn't, she had too much pride for that. Carefully, she dug her claws into the dirt and softly let her eye open, just a wee bit. Splinter? She thought, a little upset. This wouldn't end well...

[goldentail]

{What happened to Steps Soft. She is still alive and well and still a loner last time I checked}
Splinter stood in front of Meer. "Meer. Why did you do this? Why didn't you tell me that you still loved me instead of trying to die?" he asked sadly. I would have stayed with her he thought to himself. He remembered the day he had left Meer very well. "Meer what can I do to help you?" he asked. He wanted to help her and wanted to make sure she would live.

[Meerful]

//Oh, Meer thinks she might have died and all. Meer is in a delicate situation, you know? Insanity.//

Wind blew through the grass, sifted through what patches of fur on Meer that wasn't caked in dirt. Achingly, Meer stared up at Splinter. A part of her wanted no more than to rip off his face, Auseek. The other part, wanted to beg him to take her back, but her dignity was too strong, and she was too proud to do that. As she gazed at him, moisture began to fall from her eye, splashing to the ground.

Meer stared down at the ground, waiting for him to speak, and when he did, she absorbed every word he said. He doesn't really care about you, he's trying to get to you so he can kill you. He wants to taste your blood. Auseek was being the usual pain. Does he now? Meer thought sarcastically. She turned to Splinter. Just be happy for him, and go die. It would be the right thing to do. Auseek said to her in a soothing voice.

Another tear splattered the ground. "Splinter." She said carefully choosing each word, "I don't know. I had dreams, dreams of when we had just started things, dreams of me and you. It seems that I can't shake those memories." I wonder if you have the same dreams too... " The littlest things take me there, I know it sounds lame but it's so true. I know it's not right but it seems unfair, the way things remind me of you. Sometimes I wish we could just pretend even if only for one moment." Meer whispered.

"Sometimes I find myself sitting back reminiscing, especially when I have to watch other cats... I remember when you started calling me your misses, the play fights, the flirtatious disses. I told you sad stories, about my childhood. I don't know why I trusted you but I knew that I could. When I was feeling down, you make that face you do, there's no one in the world, who could replace you." Meer was looking at the ground again, pawing at dirt, her eye squinted shut with effort to not cry.

Go ahead Meer, lament to him, tell him everything, and watch him stab you in the back. He'll never take you. He's in love with a clanner. Hear that, a clanner is better than you. Auseek was telling her crossly. "My heart is aching, and I've never felt this bad and I hurt myself to be sure all of me is real. Keep thinking I'm not letting on, I feel so sad and then you go ask me how I feel. So I'll say, absolutely nothing, I'm absolutely fine. There's absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind." She replied. Her voice ached with all her speaking, it was something she rarely did.

[goldentail]

"Meer I.." Splinter started. He tried again. "Meer even though I have a new mate and new kits I still love you and our kits. I didn't mean to hurt you but you were pushing me away and I figured I better leave before I hurt. I didn't know Meer. You have it don't you. A voice in your head. Something trying to drive you insane. Trying to make you hate everyone and everything. Don't listen. You will live Meer. I know you will but you need to become Meer not the echo and shadow of Meer. You will love again because everyone has a true love. Sometimes we settle for someone else though. Meer please just go back to the way you were before."

[Meerful]

Staring at Splinter, wide eyed, Meer absorbed every little word, every little breath, pause, blink, anything. Meer saw it all, and loved it, but at the same time, hated it. Her heart beat faster, but not with anticipation or excitement, but with anguish. Never again would Splinter belong to her as she inevitably belonged to him. Meer's breath caught when she heard the words 'new kits'.

"Wait. Stop, please. Just stop." Meer moaned, grief overwhelming her in large doses, it made it hard to breath, and Meer found herself gasping for air. "D-don't say anything else" She whispered to him. Her chest began to ache with the large chunk Splinter had taken from her when he left. Pain began to make everything go black, but Meer took a deep breath, and the spasm ended, the acid trickling in her veins slowed.

See? He settled for a new mate, so you can settle for a new grave. He knows you have me, and it puts a smile on his face. This is quite an interesting predicament you've put yourself in. Go ahead, take the easy way out Auseek's grimy voice was again, persuading Meer to commit suicide or a homicide of some sort. No. I. Need. Him. It hurt to even think about him, and most times, Meer didn't.

"S-Splinter. You never did love me. I'm willing to accept that" Meer said slowly, not knowing if she meant what she was saying. "B-but what a-about Thorn?" A stern tone came into her voice, and her eye gave Splinter the death glare. A thought came to Meer's mind. She never thought about Thorn, and now, an idea began to form. "You see, T-Thorn was a part of you... Right?" Meer whispered. Then she stopped, she could talk about this later, but a gleam still twinkled in her eye, something she thought was lost.

Taking a deep breath, she started again. "Well, you have a true love, and so do I. The echo and shadow of me, will always be until I get him back from the one who stole him, and I'm willing to kill for it, or die trying, and if I don't ever succeed, and I live, I will wallow in my misery, and be prepared to starve myself to death, commit some sort of suicide, or even beg for death" For once, Meer felt like she had an upper hand, either way she had it good. Death on one side, love on the other. Perfect.

Let Splinter settle, if he wont have you, than we'll just have to take back the one who will Meer thought to herself, and even though Auseek was shouting a stream of profanities, Meer could ignore them. There wasn't even a background sound, Auseek's voice was totally gone... For a moment. "Loved you once, love you still. Always have, always will" Meer whispered, strength in her somewhat frail voice.

[goldentail]

"Meer don't do this to yourself. You need to calm down" he meowed. He looked at her frail body. Thorn was trying to escape desperatly. For once Splinter let him out. The changes came instantly. "Meer" Meowed Thorn. "Meer are you ok?" he asked even though he knew the answer was already no.

[Meerful]

A heave went through Meer's body, and then the spasms started again, and more tears escaped the corner's of her eye. The wind blew all around her, colors and sights danced across the sky that held starlight brimming softly. Everytihng, unheard, unsmelled, yet Meer felt it all, and could tell it was there.

"Who...?" Meer trailed, knowing who it was. Again, her words played across her mind.. Loved you once, love you still, always have, always will... Auseek snarled, and Meer felt agony ripple thorugh her chest. Thorn was going to leave her too! Meer almost broke down, her eye absorbing the transformation.

Another thought formed. Meer was at the river, and two rougues were sitting there talking... Doubt was gnawing at her mind, and somehow, she'd known all along... He would leave her Auseek was torturing her. Go away, just for a little longer.. Meer moaned inside her head. Auseek flashed images through Meer's mind. Each had it's own wave of agiush in them.

"Thorn?" She whispered, staring at him. "Oncei na while, oncei n a blue moon, there comes somebody like you" Meer barely spoke, it was another type of thing she did. Ever since she had left, everything turned into riddles and trhymes, and it made the pain easier to bear.

[goldentail]

"It's ok he won't come back. Not while your around. Please Meer become the Meer that you were. The Meer that I loved" meowed Thorn. He walked up to her and licked her ear gently. He looked at her.

[Meerful]

Meer felt him, felt his sinewy muscles come forward, felt his tongue rasp over her ear. She twitched. What had he just done? Was he torturing her on purpose? Was this some kind f sick and cruel joke. Her insides formed a large knot in the pit of her stomach, and she ached to yowl at the pain that began to trickle through her like venom.

"That Meer is dead. You killed her when you decided that a clanner was better than me" She hissed. IT hadn't come out as sharp as she had intended, but the intent was clear. Meer had every right to feel furious, upset, confused, and tenacious. Here Thorn had waltzed right up and licked her as if everything, the clan, the kits, the confession of not loving her, had meant absolutly *friendly* personal nothing. What was going on?

"Why are you doing this to me?" Meer moaned in pain. The spams continued, arching along her spine, through her arteries and around her muscles. Even they too clenched and unclenched convulsively. Her empty eye socket began to sting, and her stump of a leg felt as if there was still blood rushing form it since the day she lost it. Painful memories clouded her vision for another instant before Meer took a deep breath, and clawed at the ground to regain her careful composure. There was one thing she had to know before she'd beg Thorn to kill her. She knew he would.

"Thorn... Do you love me?" Meer whispered.

[goldentail]

"He did this to you I hate clanners you know that don't you Meer. I love you Meer so much I love you" meowed Thorn.

[Meerful]

Meer' sears perked in suprise, even if they couldn't hear. Did he really say that? Was she hallucinating? Auseek was doing this? Meer shook her head, tears welling up.

"No... I can't let this happen again. You will leave me wont you?" She mewed pitifully. Her heart almost sangi nher chest, but Meer knew if all the blood thirsty clanners didn't kill her, Thorn leaving her would.

[goldentail]

"No Meer no please how could you believe that I am the same as Splinter" he meowed. He stood back from her and looked at her. "Please Meer just believe me" he meowed. Then he walked back over to her but didn't touch her. He figured she wanted her space.

[Meerful]

The tears splattered to the ground agian, and her vision of two dealso neather paw didn't seem so wonderful anymore. Was it true that it was better to love and lose, than to never love at all? How could anyone say such nonsense! "Love only leads to hatred..." Meer whispered, afraid of hoping, of thinknig he'd want her too. He never would, it wouldn't be the same. He was doing this out of pity, out of guilt.

"IS this because you only care for me? Are you speaking out of your heart, or out of sympathy? Please, just tell me, or I demand you kill em here and now." She mewed sternly. What if he really didn't want her? What about Splinter and his ugly mate? Would this work out at all? Meer thought of Slinter and Thorn always changing personalities, lobving two cats. Meer was instantly repulsed.

[goldentail]

"Meer out of my heart. I have loved only you. I never loved Emberhert but Splinter did. I wish youw would believe me" he meowed. How could she not believe him. He was an entirely different cat than Splinter.

[Meerful]

Meer shook her head.

"But what about when plinter comes back" She seethed. Her paws ached to run over to him adn once again feel safe with his tail wrapped around her small body underneath a tree branch while it poured down rain.

[goldentail]

"When I am with you Meer he never will come back. Unfortunatly I will have to leave again but only until we meet again. Everytime Meer I see you I will come out. I promise. I know this isn't the best but I will eventually kill Splinter and return to you" Promised thorn.

[Meerful]

"No. That means you'll practically be with that clanner" She snarled. "Wherever you are, I'm coming too. Let me kill Splinter." She plead, her head aching again.

[goldentail]

((I will allow this after Emberheart has her second litter))
"Soon Meer let me become unable to be killed when you killed him" meowed Thorn. Then he turned to her. Soon he thought. Soon only I will be the only in my head. He was so glad he purred. Then he stifled the purr and walked away. "I will miss you Meer." Then as he was walking away when Splinter took back over.

[Meerful]

Meer hissed. Thorn was lying. She knew it. Meer felt the hollowness seep into her again, and she let her body curl into a ball and stay there.

//Okies. Nifty stuff. Poor Meer. //

[goldentail]

((I promise they will be mates))

[Meerful]

//I dunno, I wanted to get Meer a new mate, and I tried to see what Meer would think, but she wasn't ready I guess. I'm not crazy, but I have to do what Meer says. I don't contorl her, I only type what she has to feel and say and do.//

[Meerful]

Sorry for double post, but Drizzle, if you don't want them to do this, Meer na Venom could probably be mates. Actually, yeah, they could if you dont want to. It's up to you.

[Sorrowheart]

which venom? My Venomheart?

[Meerful]

no venom that Lightening has